The Rules of Women from a Texan Gentleman

by Lyle Lovett, as told to Esquire.

The first rule of manhood is that they are in charge. Give it up. Realize they're smarter and better looking. We don't have a chance. You have to do everything you can to help yourself.

A woman comes to a table and you're supposed to get up. Period. But I don't always do it. In general, you're supposed to do it every time. But sometimes you're seated against the wall and it's awkward.

Never guess a woman's age. Never guess a woman's weight. Never even talk about weight in front of a woman. And never, ever ask a woman when she's due.

Tipping your hat to a lady is good form. If you're at a dinner table, you'd most certainly take your hat off -- cowboy hat, baseball hat, or otherwise.

Women always go through the door first. Even ardent feminists would admit it's nice. It's not an acknowledgment of women as the weaker sex; it's perhaps an acknowledgment of women as the stronger sex. We follow.

Never pass a woman a single roll, even if she says, "Don't pass them all over." Don't do it. Bring her the whole basket. Some things are a trick. I can hear the phone conversation later on with a girlfriend, "I asked him to pass a single roll. And he did!" It's a trap.

There's etiquette to listening: If they're talking, shut up. Just shut up. Simple enough?

In our modern world, what constitutes a thank-you note? Being able to dash off a text message has enabled me to be more immediate and less guilty. I believe the old adage that the sooner you write a thank-you note, the less you need to write. I realize that among real sticklers for manners, e-mails and texts would be verboten, but I think they can convey genuine sentiment.

Never look in a woman's purse -- invited or uninvited. Especially invited. Just refuse. Bring her her purse, don't fish around in there. We don't know what's in there, and we don't want to know.

Who are these guys that order for women? Never order for a woman. You're going to tell a woman what to eat? Never tell a woman anything. Ask. And be grateful for whatever reply you might get.

The idea is that you'd be like Cary Grant or George Clooney, in a graceful ballet of walking down the street, opening the door, and ushering a young lady into a limousine. But I'm really more like Maxwell Smart. I was opening a door for my fiancée today and I stepped on the back of her shoe and almost knocked her over. It happens a lot.

--As told to Andy Langer