and after the burn.

….and in hotel in El Lay after (!) btw, I am wearing a really cute Alice & Trixie jumper, will have to share in a later photo. I SUCK at taking photos of myself.

before the burn in Malibu

Poolside in Malibu…before the burn.

getting my Vickie B. on

This is me doing my best Victoria Beckham imitation (lame I know) moments after we saw her on Rodeo…as lame as that sounds, it actually happened.

ps-I am going to stop uploading photos for now, I know how annoying it is when people post a kajillion in a row.

good old retail therapy

In this month, I am losing my best friend to an unworthy man. Losing my roommate who is my best friend to the same unworthy man. Even though I am technically losing just one person, it feels like I am losing two.

I've been angry with her for totally ditching me for this guy for like 5 months now, yep, they've only been dating that long and she is moving in with him (don't get me fucking started)...but the truth is that it doesn't matter how angry I am, I am more hurt. She is breaking my heart.

I haven't seen her for longer than 5 minutes in 3 weeks. She moves out sometime between now and the 1st.

Yvette is moving in and I love her. I'm so excited...She is a ball of energy, smart, talented, a good friend and I LOVE her...but I still can't help mourning the chapter of my life and my friendship with A that seems to be, well, ending.

On top of it all I saw my ex today. I had his jeans. I had to return them. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

It is 15 degrees outside. Instead of going shopping outside, I am on ebay, beating out potential bidders one by one, as if beating them is liberating me and helping heal the hurt.

Delusional? YES! But for some reason it feels damn good.

Next up? This awesome Inhabit Cashmere Sweater (pictured above). I just got it for $30.95! It retails for $378. I really love super deals.....and moments where I just get swept away in the happiness of a good deal and forget the unhappiness of saying goodbye.

face thoughts.

What a f-ing day.

I think I need a chemical peel.

Yep, I think that would do the trick.

dating in the city?

Dear Invisibles,

This is probably going to sound crazy to those of you who know me or maybe not crazy because you know how much of a hussy I am, but I have been approached now--twice--in the past 24 hours to write a dating column/blog for two different entities that both have online and offline [listen to my marketing jargon coming out, what I meant was print!] components.

I am sooo torn. It would be great to write again, but I'm not sure I want all of that to be out there. All of my drama with men, all of the lies that they tell me that are humiliating, all of the mistakes I make with them.

I am having an internal debate....what... to... do...

What would my pseudonym be? What would the men I date think? Would they only want to go out with me because I might write about how great they are or how big it is? Ha. See this is the type of shit that is going to get me into mega mega trouble.

I can feel it...

I wish I could be as peaceful and serene and clear headed as my lovely, Elle, pictured above, sleeping...this morning.

2007 redux

So here is how you do this----everything in bold you should fill out yourselves. Make sure you do one and post your link in the comments. I know you're invisible, aka, there is no one here, but just in case anyone happens to read...I'd love to hear about your 2007.

My 2007 in a word: changing

In 2007, I gained a couple of new life-long friends (Yvette, Marie, Maria, I love you), a new perspective, a new hope.
I lost a few pounds, a boyfriend, my regrets.
I stopped smoking. No more.
I started to believe that I deserve to be truly happy.
I was hugely satisfied by my decision to move to New York.
And frustrated by the change in actions of my best friend.
I am so embarrassed that I still got drunk to the point of making an ass of myself, more than once, none of that in 08. Also, embarrassed that I really liked a married man. Sigh.
Once again, I broke my smoking ban, then reinstated it, then broke it, then....
Once again, I did not fall in love, save money.
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is I am getting in much better shape, ran my first race, and fell in love with yoga.
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this
December is I actually love myself.
I loved spending time Yvette.
Why did I spend even two minutes with someone who couldn't ever be with me?
I should have spent more time at museums, galleries, and running.
I regret buying that horrible pair of red heels. Ha.
I will never regret buying more and more and more clothes even though with that money I could have bought a nice huge plasma tv.
I laughed and drank and ate way too much.
I didn’t travel enough.
The knowledge that I could be more drove me crazy.
Was life and global warming crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
The most relaxing place I went was to an Irish wedding with Kieran, yes, I know...
I feel so at peace, grateful, full of love when I write that down.
Why did I go to Fatty Crab so many times at 3 a.m.?
The best thing I did for someone else was let them go.
The best thing I did for myself was clean out the closet, so to speak.
The best thing someone did for me was let me know that it would be possible to love someone again, give me true friendship, its a tie.
The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is run a race, take a chance, go on a date.

life, love, the journey.

I think that this is the first time since leaving Asheville maybe ever that I have really missed it. He would totally throw up but I keep remembering that part of Sex and the City where Mr. Big leaves those two gifts for Carrie when he moves to Napa Valley and he leaves her 2 gifts---a record for when she gets lonely of their song and plane tickets for when he gets lonely. Sigh.

Yeah, ummm that isn't really relevant here other than so many parts of me want to be back there with him. I don't think I could EVER be happy living in Asheville...but I also don't know if I can be happy without living near him.

Better than this silly Sex and the City correlation, the other quote that comes to mind is one my mom used to tell me often.

"And the end of all our exploring. Will be to arrive where we started. And know the place for the first time."

T.S. Eliot, Little Gidding

That is how I feel. Home with him. We've been on a roller coaster of friendship for so many years, could he really be the person I've been looking for all along? Why can't I stop thinking about him? Sigh. What a Christmas break, I tell you.

my sister and i.

So I have arrived in Asheville. Woohoo. I am reunited with my sis [photo of us during her nyc visit in noviembre at left at rockettes]. So great to see her. She is still tiny, somewhat bitchy, but overall a great kid. In general, it feels good to be home and still so nervous and scared. Coming home here is always interesting because it isn't the house I grew up in---I've actually never lived here--so I am like 50% at home and yet some part of me still feels like this just isn't really my home. Maybe New York actually is?

Maybe my love affair with the city of new york has actually turned into a full fledged relationship.

I think I might get to see the guy with whom I need to say what I need to say tonight, like in a couple of hours. It seems like he doesn't really want to see me...but then again, would I? I probably wouldn't even be accepting his calls if the roles were reversed. I hope that I can get out everything that I want to say, I hope he has an open mind, I hope maybe what should have happened when I am 18 might finally happen. Maybe I can drive around in another circle....and actually arrive at a destination.

So many maybes....

xoxo

is it ever possible to trully forgive?

So...here i am in charlotte at the hotel with my mom, preparing for some final holiday shopping later on today prior to going home to asheville.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I am heading home with a lot of excitement (after being gone for 2 plus years) but also some anticipation and a little bit of anxiety.

I was going to wait to the new year to announce a new advice angle to this blog coming to life, and I will at that time in much more detail, but one of the questions that i was asked recently amidst discussion and gathering material for this psychological experament (if you so kindly will) that I am going to be conducting is......IS IT POSSIBLY FOR SOME ONE TO FULLY FORGIVE ANOTHER PERSON IF THERE HAS BEEN A BETRAYAL? CAN TRUST EVER FULLY BE REGAINED?

What is interesting about that question at this specific point in time for me, is that I am not really sure what I believe in that. I think that if you respect or love someone and you have done something to hurt them in anyway (lie, betray, do wrong) then you should do whatever you can to try to rectify that---what that means depends on the situation, but at the very least you can attempt to atone. In doing that, how that person responds to that is so highly subjective I really believe it depends on the situation. There is no formula for making things right, all you can do is try and hope that there can be a full level of forgiveness.

I think I ultimately believe that it is possible to forgive, fully...but not possible to fully forget. I think in forgiving you can let go of a lot of anger but I think in not being able to fully forget, there is almost always going to be some element of something in the back of the mind....of the one who has been betrayed, but also of the one who did the betrayal. Guilt is some hard shit to shake.

This is relevant in my life right now because I am hopefully going to see a guy (later today) for the first time in a long time. This guy.....wow. Where to even begin. I could probably write a full fledged 450 page novel about this relationship I have with him and all of the f-ed up things I have done...and maybe I will someday...but for the sake of keeping this somewhat short, lets just say that he was one of my best friends growing up, we never hooked up, I wanted to but it never happened, I am not sure if he wanted/wants to...or if he even ever felt that way.

The entire time we've had this weird friendship---it has been filled with tension and hope and love and passion....and could've probably been much more but instead I also caused it to be filled with a lot of emptiness. I have not followed through on my end of the bargain more often than I have with him, I've been a shitty friend, and I think perhaps there is an irreparable loss of trust from him to me.

It gets more complicated because I am pretty sure I am in love with him. Every guy I have ever dated I've compared to him. He's always in the back of my mind....and I just can't seem to shake it. I think I need to know. Need to know what it would be like to kiss him and if there is ever any part of him that could ever/has ever/ will ever love any part of me and be able to look past our roller coaster of a relationship thus far and give it/us a shot.

There are so many factors: i could never live in asheville/he likely wouldn't live in nyc, he's never given me any indication that he'd even want to kiss me, and we have a mountain full of shit between us that I have caused.

I have decided that I am going to spill it to him and just tell him how I feel, apologize...and say what I need to say.

I am so terrified that he will reject me....but more terrified that I might spend my whole life never knowing.

Sigh. Here we go....

ps---photo above...one of my favorites...something about it just looks like light,love, happiness, and hope all bundled into a single random MOMA exhibit.

home for the holidays...

Like many of you, I am going to be heading home for the holidays. Unlike many of you (and by you of course, I kind of feel like I am mostly talking to myself again, which I certainly am, so maybe I am actually kind of saying unlike myself, which is really really weird) I have a lot of reasons to not necessarily be comfortable in my hometown.

Broken friendships, mistakes, roads, detours...it is like my mantra. Most importantly, I am just really scared that being there I will not be able to do what I really want/need/have to do---confront a situation with a friend.

Nervous, scared, excited, happy....and ready to say something (actually some thingsssssss) that I have needed to say for quite some time.

I have to run to catch my flight, more details on this inevitable conversation soon.

happy holidays!
xoxo

sisters

My sister is visiting from the dirty, dirty NC this week for her birthday so I will only be checking on momentarily throughout the next six days. Sad. I know.

So all you invisibles out there, I'll catch you post-holiday.

Until then gobble, gobble and count your carbs!

Be there or be rectangle...and no one wants to be rectangle :)

winter travel :: tropical, canyon-ical?

So we are trying to figure out where to go for a winter/December trip....

My choice is this. Beach. Sand. Sun. Tropical.

The other idea on the table is that. Outdoors. Tents. Ewe.

How are we ever going to agree??

Sigh.

This is what I have been dreaming/having nightmares about all night.

*bang camaro, piano bar + limelight

So.... sorry invisibles that I have been away for over 24 hours. I have been absorbing Boston. I went to the piano bar in my hotel on Friday night (totally lame I know...even lamer they had a chick dressed up like the girl in Hairspray singing songs with a cheesy guy playing the piano). Yah.

I met up with some old friends and made some new friends who I ended up going to an ultra karaoke place with, Limelight. It wasn't like the Limelight in the good old NYC days--at all. But we had a blast. The best was this guy from the Rock Opera's rendition of I believe in a thing called love...just listen to the rhythm of my heart. Remember that song?

The worst--a bunch of homegirls trying to sing Mary J.

Anyhow, some of the guys I met are in this band, Bang Camaro. They are like a football field strong and kind of hard but I am sure they put on a good show. I am going to check them out in NYC the next time they are here.

A couple of their friends were awesome. I honestly don't think I've laughed like I did with them in years.

I also met up with my friend Jeff and his Harvard Biz School friends with Aleeza on Saturday. Hmmm. This was a highly disturbing event in more ways than one so I am going to ponder it and over analyze it more and I'll get back to you with more details on it tomorrow.

My findings [aka overused generalizations] about Boston are as follows.

• Food service is piss poor at best.
• Newbury street is awesome.
• Marc Jacobs store still looks cuter on Bleecker.
• Boston guys will tell a girl she's hot a 100 times and it is kind of nice to hear it.
• Karaoke is better when the people can actually sing.
• The Theatre district is kind of scary at night.
• Cambridge is awesome if you're with the right crowd.
• ...that crowd isn't HBS kids.
• Boston is seriously kicking ass in multiple sports.
• Tom Brady is hot.
• They love him.
• MFA is pretty cool.
  
• Wentworth is a college. I didn't believe you, Ab,but it turns out you didn't lie...about everything.
• The food in Boston sucks.
• So do the oysters. Shock. Yes, I said it.
• The mussles aren't that bad.

Ok, this is all I got for tonight on this thoughtful stuff. More soon. xoxo

she said i think i'm going to boston

I probably won't be checking in that much over the weekend as I am Boston visiting my dad and brother (dad is up here for work, brother lives here).

I'm so excited to see them! My dad is just so great to hang out with: so chill, so smart, so half-ass funny.

Hopefully I'll have some good stories upon return.

xoxo

100 stream of consciousness

I am following suit of my friend Libby (a best friend of mine--her family = to mine in another lifetime) and coming up with a list of 100 things about me in a single setting, just rambling them off. Let's see what I come up with, I'm scared.

[EDIT]: I learned so much writing this. It was very interesting. The photo is of Elle. She is my constant stream of consciousness. And I love this photo of her, so that's why it is included.

Here we go...

1. My mother told me the quote "it's never too late to be what you might have been" my freshman year of college when I was depressed, I think about this quote everyday.

2. I really hate when people say "quote" instead of "quotation" it isn't proper.

3. I also hate people who can't distinguish your/you're or their/there. Come on. This is why Europeans can't stand Americans.

4. I used to be a Republican, then I got totally jaded, opened my mind and realized that what we are doing as a country is not ok.

5. I still can't forgive myself for many of my mistakes.

6. I have lost so many friendships due to to these mistakes and I don't know if I will ever really get over that.

7. It really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I believe this because I've lived it.

8. My ex boyfriend broke up with me in an email. I haven't spoken to him since. Sometimes I still believe he might be the love of my life and I will probably always wonder what happened. But after 1.5 years I finally can go a day without thinking about him.

9. I am so much like my mother it terrifies me.

10. My sister inspires me everyday, even her bad ones.

11. My dad is the greatest man I have ever met. He is the only person who has loved me without condition and I owe everything I have and everything that is good in me to him.

12. I am terrible with commitment.

13. I love accents. Especially Irish ones.

14. I've been with one uncircumcised man. I loved him. He's got one of #13.

15. I'm addicted to sugar free Red Bull.

16. There is nothing quite like sitting in my room, chain smoking cigarettes, and listening to country music on repeat. It is so healing.

17. I need therapy. Bad. I'm working on that. I think everyone needs it.

18. Mobile Campus changed my life.

19. I have met so many Joshs in my life that I have had a bond with. Some I have loved. Others have just changed my life.

20. One day I will write a book.

21. Roy Eder is a great man. He is a mentor, a friend, a fabulous person. He had a huge impact on my life. I'll always be grateful.

22. I've read The Assault on Reason twice and I still think I might have missed some things.
23. I have a really hard time saying no.

24. I really love expensive jeans.

25. I wish that I had more MAC makeup. I love the eyeshadows.

26. If I was rich I would care more about the interior of my house than the interior of my closet. Decorating first, wardrobe second.

27. I secretly scavenge resale store Buffalo Exchange for used treasures, once or twice a month. It is a guilty pleasure of mine.

28. I really think I could be friends with Lauren Conrad.

29. Aleeza Gordon is the best friend I've ever had. She is truly a sister and will be with me for life, of this I'm sure.

30. I love the book Shopgirl.

31. I really hate coffee but drink it anyways sometimes.

32. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a total celebrity whore. I'd just never act on it.

33. If you mess with me, I can be brutal.

34. I've learned more in 1 year in NYC than I did in 3 years in Austin.

35. I miss field hockey like crazy.

36. I often think what life would've been like if I wouldn't have gone to the Asheville School.

37. Krissy, Francis, Kaleah & Katrina will stay with me always in my heart.

38. There is nothing quite like kicking someone's ass in a competitive sport.

39. I suck at losing.

40. I am not sure if I am going to be a good mother or if I will even be a mother at all. I'm up in the air on this.

41. I am constantly afraid that I'll let the right guy walk away because I'm too scared.

42. I'm also afraid I'll never find him or pick the wrong one and end up divorced.

43. All married guys are tempted to cheat. I fully believe this. Since moving here I've experienced it like 4-5 times in various scenarios (the married guy's attempt) and three of them are men I highly respect who are super successful.

44. The fact that married guys tend to cheat (the successful ones) makes me even more paranoid about the whole marriage scene.

45. I have an aunt-in-law who is a witch.

46. I don't believe in psychics...mostly because I don't really want to know whatever they might have to say. I pretend to live more spontaneously.

47. I'd pretty much do anything for anyone that I love.

48. I do not consider myself to be a 'religious' person but I am definitely spiritual. CS Lewis writes some great spiritual books.

49. All the time I am looking for a First Edition copy of "The Little Prince" for my father. It is his favorite book.

50. I really love the show Gossip Girl.

51. I think in my past lifetime I was an Upper East side Jewish girl who went to Trinity.

52. I am torn between being a southern girl at heart and a Yankee in spirit.

53. Iris Barkley will always be one of my favorite moms.

54. If I try to think about a favorite song of all time, I would probably say that it is a toss up between "Better Together" by Jack Johnson, "Human Nature" by Michael Jackson, and "Please" a country song by the Kinleys. But I also love "Slow Dancing in a burning Room" by John Mayer. Its hard to pick just one.

55. I really love high heels. I think my calves look better in them.

56. When I was a kid I was in love with cows.

57. I often think my chihuahua looks like a cow.

58. My chihuahua is one of the great loves of my life. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her.

59. I have this strange feeling I will be married within the next 2 years.

60. Ugg boots will never go out of style to me.

61. Marc Jacobs is a genius, I fully believe that.

62. I have Nordstrom to thank for me understanding contemporary designer fashion.

63. I really love dumplings and dim-sum in winter.

64. I agree with Alon that pho is the best hungover food. That and tacos.

65. One of the things I miss most about Austin is breakfast tacos.

66. I tend to second guess myself all the time which is strange because I am very impulsive.

67. I have moved to two cities alone and would do it again in a heartbeat, although I love NYC.

68. Speaking of loving NYC, I think that this is a city that you have a relationship with, like a love affair. There are ups and downs, you go through financial difficulties, stresses like you wouldn't imagine, but in the end you stay because you're in love and you just can't leave.

69. John Mayer is so smart. He's like my hero. His blogs are a total inspiration. I'm still pondering the whole Jessica Simpson thing.

70. I really want fake boobs.

71. I agree with the rap song: you never trust a big butt and a smile.

72. I have found that if a guy seems too good to be true, he usually is.

73. If I could go anywhere to die in my retirement currently it would be Prince Edward Island. That place moved me to tears.

74. When I grew up I was always so glad Anne ended up with Gilbert Blythe.

75. I never got into the whole ipod thing until I got one, then I was sold.

76. I am learning new things about the Internet all the time. I thought I knew some stuff but then recently realized I don't know shit.

77. I have been out on an Internet- based blind date. Ha. No one knows that.

78. I really love Gawker. Those guys and gals are awesome.

79. I think Angelina is better than Aniston. Team Bragelina all the way. Until they break up, that is.

80. I think you can like Britney Spears and also be knowledgeable and passionate about the environment, politics, etc. I don't think they are mutually exclusive.

81. The thing I have most lusted after (besides a man) this year is Derek Lam purses. He uses the Aries ram, I just love them.

82. I think Blackberries are way better than Treos.

83. I don't like sweets.

84. I hate jean shorts even more than sweets.

85. I prefer Sam Mason over Harold Dieterle.

86. As I have gotten older I've learned more and more that looks aren't everything. Now I value drive, personality, ambition (is that the same as drive?), perspective, and respect/loyalty way more. Dont' get me wrong...he still has to be hot.

87. It turns out, it's not where but who you are with that really matters. [ Thanks DMB]

88. Black clothing in most cases looks good on everyone. So do bootcut jeans. Not flared. Bootcut.

89. Rain boots come in mighty handy in NYC.

90. One of my other favorite quotes is courtesy of Sex and the City in which Carrie says "So many roads, so many detours, so many choices, so many mistakes." I think that pretty much sums up my life.

91. Revenge isn't always great but for some reason it still always feels damn good.

92. I am highly argumentative... but usually won't argue unless I am sure if I am going to win.

93. I am really terrified that I might not ever find love. That is my greatest fear.

94. I hate spam mail. Why have a spam folder? Why not just remove it all together?

95. I was never the prettiest girl in high school, it feels great to be considered pretty now. I'm glad I seem to be getting better with age.

96. Speaking of that one of my favorite lyrics comes from Gavin DeGraw when he says "it just gets better with time...and so do you."

97. My other favorite is from Jack Johnson when he says "love is the answers to all of the questions in my heart--why are we here? where do we go? and how come it's so hard?"

98. Irish men do all love to drink but are more polite than any man you will likely encounter from this side of the pond.

99. Life is a bitch. But you learn as you go.

100. I always thought I would be famous. But [to paraphrase Ethan Hawke] I have been in the minor leagues for 26 years now and it just doesn't look like I am going to be called up.

*last thought of the day

So I am ending today with a picture of my angel, Elle...because quite honestly, what is better than her? Not much. I never really believed all that 'man's best friend' stuff until I met her. She is 3.5 lbs of one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It is hard to explain the bond between someone and their pet. I have always questioned whether or not I would be a good mother [ I don't really love kids in the sappy--cry when I see one kind of way and I just don't feel that maternal vibe] but with her I really feel like I have a mother/child relationship--but in a totally manageable easy way.

This is probably the first of many photos and postings about Elle.

She has seen me through at least 3 major breakups, a near move to the Middle East, she's lived with me in 4 [ Indiana, North Carolina, Texas, New York] states and she has pissed on the floor in every single one of them.

Anyhow, she's sitting next to me right now as I write here procrastinating getting in the shower and heading off to an event for work.

It is amazing how often I take her for granted and then think about even 5 days without her and realize how hard that truly is. Right now, she is my last call at the end of the day and I love it that way.

Except for when she peed on my marc jacobs tan military blazer, she is perfection.

*getting stood up

Although (believe it or not, fan club members) I was never the girl whom everyone wanted to date in high school or college (those years are by far the hardest dating years, I think). I never got stood up. I just didn't really think stuff like that happened anymore.

I would like to think that anyone that I could be potentially *meeting* anywhere--to the point where they could have the opportunity to stand me up--would have at least enough manners to refrain from that ever even being a consideration.

A simple text, phone call or even email would come way before a no show at all. Come on its, 2007. Its not like we are using the Pony Express for communication.

So here I am...sigh. 26 years old and off with my roommate to go meet one of our friends at his apartment for his birthday.

We've never been to said friend's apartment prior, but we've definitely known him for over a year, we see him weekly, we patronize his restaurant like crazy, and he texted/emailed/blackberried (one in the same, right?) inviting us. So we show up at the address: 149 Rivington Street.

Hmmm..there are 3 apartments, the gate is locked, graffiti like woah, no buzzer and so we figure out that we have to call (rocket science, I know) to get in.

Only...we dont have his #, just his email. (Come on it is 2007 you don't have to have phone #s, phone calls and convos are annoying anyways). So we write him and tell him we're there and ask him to call us and tell us how to get in.

1 hour and 15 minutes and 3 texts (spaced out of course later) and no reply.

He's stood us up.

I honestly can't even tell you now how I feel. It wasn't a date, it was a friendship which seems to make this whole scenario even worse. I don't think I've been this upset since my last major breakup....and even then I didn't feel as shitty about myself as I do now.

How did I ever get to this place in my life where I am choosing to have friends that I get into situations like this where I just get hosed by a random? How could I ever even give the time of day to someone who obviously doesn't respect me as a friend? What is it about me that makes me not worthy of this jerkoff's friendship?

These are the questions running through my mind.

Am I overanalyzing this....? Totally. Of course. At the end of the day, it is no big deal. But right now, at 11:58 p.m. it hurts. It is a huge shot to the ego and more than that, it is just a huge disappointment.

I am a HUGE believer that this is what people do--they are human, and they let you down.

But this guy has manners, he was raised very well...he knows better. This shot--it was intentional. So why?

Worst part--we eat at his restaurant, every sunday. So now what? Self preservation mode has kicked in.

Aggghhh...what a f-ing night.

*to stay or to go?

This is a partially edited transcription of a conversation I had with my friend, lets call him "music boy" today. The reason why I am sharing it is that I fully believe that there is a time to stay and a time to go in life and that most of the time when those moments happen (stay or go moments) people are able to pick up on it, follow their instincts (or ignore them and follow their hearts) and go for it.

What do you think? (yes, you invisibles again). Read below and share your thoughts.

Oct 17: 3:10 p.m.

Sarah,

Hey yeah I heard about that expo facto. I saw JJ last time they were in town. So, I have been thinking about moving back to Austin. I may start a biz with some friends of mine and play the Austin scene. I may be able to market more effectively at this point. I want to put my record out on itunes and just do it that way perhaps, what do you think? I have been disappointed in the major label dream and it seems like you have to be rock to go indy. I am ready to live a little you know? Tell me if I'm bugging out?

Music Boy

Oct 17: 4:18 p.m.

Music Boy,

WHAT?????? MOVE BACK????? Why would you do that??? Admit defeat?

I guess I can understand living a little and being tired of the grind... I guess I just hope you know what that entails and what you would be giving up, because it isnt just the music. Austin isn't a place with a ton of future, its reached its prime and is becoming way commercial and losing its identity. Eventually its all going to be suburban. I dont know, I just dont know that going back is the right answer? I feel like you havent been here long enough.

Are you sure that even without the major label nyc isnt the place you'd like to be?

Sarah

Oct 17: 4:58 p.m.

Sarah,

I thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I understand what you mean in regards to the size of Austin and the celing that exsist with that market. I sometimes am so tired of the struggle. I also have no faith in Corporate Music. I know have not been here for too long. I go back and forth with it. I may want to just chill and start to have a normal life, but I don't know. I think I can at least get my Bob Schneider on in a few years of work. Do you really think that the major game can benefit me? Everyone I have spoke to is like major is dead. Do you know any indies? Let's talk about it when you can. I just wrote some new banging shit and am still having fun, but I'm tired of being broke and getting my chain yanked you know? Love you babe...


Oct 19: 1:17 p.m.

Hi Music Boy,

I am really up in the air about music in general. I really think that there are ways to still succeed in the music business but it probably is very frustrating and really hard work, and it depends on if you want to dedicate this part of your life to that or not, ya know? I dont know how strongly you feel about it. I think it really only works for people who couldn't live without it, and just because/if that isn't you, it doesn't mean you aren't a true musician, it means it just isn't your life. I think to stay in it, you have to want it that bad and be willing to do anything for it.

I dont know anyone with indies...maybe burden brothers do, but i think they are with Red 7. You could always as Bob S, that is a great idea. do you know him?

So if you go back to Texas what would you do for work? Would you go back because you don't like NYC or because you have more of a reason to be there? What would the reasoning be? Why not just look for a job that you like in NYC? I guess I'm just trying to understand the thought process.

Totally hear ya on the broke and chain yanked. NYC is that kind of city, you have to work through a lot to make it to the good days. Its like any worthwhile relationship in my opinion. Life in Austin and Texas and anywhere in middle america is so simple, to me if it doesn't make you think and grow, it isn't worth it...but thats just me. Most people live their lives in perfect complacency and are totally happy with that and I respect that too.

Thoughts?

Oct 19: 2:18 p.m.

Sarah,

I know I can't live without it, but there may be a better way. I know bob S yes, and think with a few years of work I can achieve that. I am worried about my long term financial future. The world is getting more expensive and music ain't paying in NYC. Yeah I could get another job here, that is an option. I have a company that I want to start Is Austin with a couple of guys doing web dev and marketing. I am confused for sure, I may be ready for some roots you know. NY was never a super long term thing for me, so I don't know. Anyway I am not making any rash choices at the moment. I just want to re-examine the whole thing. Should I stay here and do the corporate grind and play shows on the weekend, or own my own business and be the big fish in the small pond? Thank you for helping me through this!!!!! ahahah!!!

Love,

Music Boy

Oct 19: 3:22 p.m.

Hi Music Boy,

I think it makes sense for you to go back if it was a temporary thing, then (NYC). I think thats where you/I are different, this place is a life change for me not a life experience. I'll never go back. I'll always be up here somewhere or maybe California, but I can't ever live in that environment anymore (too much party, lack of motivation--I need to be surrounded by ambition and I just don't think Austin has that). But I also didn't grow up there, it isn't home for me.

I'm too competitive not to be in a city where stuff happens. This is the city where that is for me. I'd rather be competing against the big fish (as a small fish) than be a big fish in a small pond. Most would prefer the latter, and I totally understand you wanting that for your life.

I dont think it is giving up to go back. I think that going back--if it is in your heart--is the right thing to go. I've always thought that there are times to go and times to stay depending on what is right for a person and only that person can decide that for themselves. When I left Austin most of my friends didn't understand me leaving and I wasn't happy with that decision at times but ultimately I've realized it was the best thing for me and I am glad I followed my instincts.

I think if it is the right time to go, you'll just know it, it will be instinctual. I will be sad to see you go, but you know what is best for your life and you are way smart enough to do it when you need to :) I also TOTALLY understand wanting roots. I think that I am moving into the phase in my life where I'm really going to be preparing for a true relationship and settling down. I dont think it will happen for 4-5 years but I think I am finally going to be okay with it (as opposed to run from it) if it should happen before then. I think a lot of people put down roots where their home is and I can see that being Tejas for you. I think for me, this city is it :)

I also can understand re: financial future. I am tired of the struggle, BIG TIME. It is really hard to live life this way and some times practically beats out passion or adventure or chance or whatever. And sometimes, it is just time to start that phase of your life. I think owning your own business is a great idea. You'd be an amazing entrepreneur. Be careful with mktg in Austin. I had a bad experience with that, but I am sure whatever you start on you'll do a fabulous job in and make an amazing impact :)

When does your lease expire? When are you thinking you might move back? Hopefully I can see you before then :)

Btw, have you heard the new Matchbox Twenty? Rob Thomas is a great lyricist. How Far We've Come is awesome.

SP

Oct 19: 3:59 p.m.

Sarah,

Upon further review I think it may not be time to leave. I think it is time for me to make some changes in my life to make my NYC better for me. I know what you are saying when it is truly time to go, I will know. I have not even been here a year yet. Fuck the labels I will keep on until they can't help but to see me. I need a manager if you hear of one though.

LOL,

*and yes, this is officially the longest, ever. sorry.

life as I know it.

I haven't posted anything on here in quite some time because to be perfectly honest with you, I have been so confused, depressed, and just down in the dumps that I haven't really been motivated to do much.

Before you start jumping to conclusions it is not like I was sitting on my couch and having some type of pity party, it is not that at all. I just didn't really know how to do anything but think and react to all of the stuff unfolding around me.

Pretty tough.

I've been in nyc now for over a year and looking back on this year it has been a great one, full of appropriate, inappropriate, and no ma'am moments, encounters, milestones, and experiences.

I couldn't be happier that I took the leap and came here.

So anyways, I am back on track---well at least in that I am done feeling sorry for myself and I am more motivated than ever to truly keep this blog going, keep writing and thinking, keep recounting my inappropriate/appropriate/no ma'am opinions/sightings/moments and hopefully making new york city year #2 even better.

cheers, mates.